I don’t know what I am going to blog about.
I usually like to plan these things in advance. I try to be interesting for you all. I really do.
Today though, everything is uncertain. My life, my job. I’m twenty-seven years old, and I don’t know for sure where I’m going to be in a month.
I envy the people in my life who don’t plan. I envy the people who can pick up and move across the country, without a job in line, without an idea of where they are going.
I like to know what’s coming next. I like stability and continuity. I’m not saying that every day has to be exactly the same, because how boring would that be? But I have a routine, and I like it.
When it goes away, when it gets taken from me, I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet. Where was the warning? Where is that stability I was promised?
The routine gives me control. I’ve been searching and searching for jobs and boyfriends and friends and apartments and all sorts of things for years now. Routine gives me power. It’s something that I can change, that I can do, that I can accomplish.
And now it’s all fraying away. And I am sick and I am lost, and I don’t know what to do.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to just worry about enjoying the holidays, and I am going to try. But with this hanging over me? How can I think about anything else?