Goodbyes

When I was little, I used to pride myself on not being emotional.  “I’ve never cried during a movie,” I thought.  “Except for Titanic.”  But who could blame me there, really?  She had to let go!

When I was a little bit older, I wondered if that was right.  My friends cried over movies, over music, over breakups.  They would sit around crying with each other over how terrible life was (we were teenagers, after all), while I would leave the room.  I had a privileged life, not a whole lot of hardship, but even when tough or sad things happened to me, like my grandparents dying within two days of each other, I pushed through.  I might have cried briefly and moved on.  Found my way back to humor.

To this day, my friends tell me that Chandler is the Friend that I most resemble.

And that’s fine.  I don’t mind being less emotional.  It’s a lot less to worry about, and makeup is never a problem.

Except, I have become more emotional as I’ve grown up.  I don’t cry at sad things, necessarily.  But I cry when I am stressed out.  I cry when I see my students performing in their school play or at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I cry when my favorite actress finally wins her Tony Award.

And I cry at goodbyes.  It’s a trait passed down to me by my uncle, who is famous in our family for crying whenever a big goodbye happens.  And now I do the same.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not hardcore sobbing or anything.  I just get choked up.

Today I said goodbye to the men and women at the school I have worked at for the past fourteen months.  These people have seen me at my best and my worst.  They’ve made me laugh and given me so much of themselves.  It’s thanks to them that I am the teacher I am today, that I am confident in and love what I do.  I can’t imagine not seeing them next year, not knowing what’s happening in their lives.  It’s hard knowing that I won’t get to see my classroom anymore or tease my friends.  Yes, a new chapter is starting in my life, but I am going to miss this old chapter so much.

And yay marriage equality!

Time for some big grown-up decisions

I got offered a job!  A real, live, actual teaching job.

Well, kind of.  A year-long, long-term.  At my old high school.  Which means that all of my old teachers will now be my coworkers.

Okay, so it will be a little weird.  And super awkward.  But I honestly don’t mind.  I’m shy and doubt I’ll talk to a lot of them, or make a lot of friends that I would hang out with on weekends.  I’ll ignore all of the drama I’ve heard about.  I will look on the bright side.  I will put my nerves aside and be a great teacher.

But I am still anxious.  There are still a few other jobs in the mix.  Full-time, permanent positions.  They’re at great schools, but they’re far away from my friends and family.  I know I should take them if I were offered, but I’m terrified.  How do I establish a life so far away from everything I know?  In the middle of nowhere?

I know I shouldn’t worry about it yet.  It’s not like I’ve been offered anything.  I’m trying not to psych myself out about any of it.  But it’s time for me to make some big grown-up decisions.  I don’t know if I’m ready.

Apologies for the radio silence

When I started this site, I told myself that I was going to be active.  I want to meet and interact with other authors.  And I want to get advice for my own stuff.  I was going to be so good about it.  It was going to be great.

Then real life happened.

It’s the end of the school year for my students.  In fact, they start their final tomorrow.  In an ordinary year, this would be hectic anyway, what with final grades and students needing to study and the fact that our school has NO AC (humidity and I are NOT friends).

BUT.  I am about to lose this job.  My position is victim to the many budget cuts that teachers face.  Because of this, I am about to lose my health insurance, which is a VERY scary thought.

On top of that, I have gotten a zillion job interviews.  This is a good thing.  I KNOW it is.  I know that the more interviews I go on, the more chance I have of landing a job.  Unfortunately, interviews take a lot out of someone.  Selling yourself, being your best, dealing with the nerves, is taxing.  Especially when they make you teach in front of a group of real live students.

I have had 8 interviews in 2 weeks.  And more before that.  I am tired.  I have a perpetual stomach ache.  I keep losing my train of thought.  Worst of all, I burst into tears in front of one of my classes today.  For no reason.  It’s been so hard.

I just want a job.  I want this to be over.  I want the anxiety to go away.  I want to focus on other things.

But until then, I might be a little silent for a while.

The one where job interviews are beating the crap out of me

When I started this thing, I told myself that I was going to stay active with it, that I was going to post several times a week.  And I was really excited about it.

But then real life happened.

I’m a teacher, which is great.  Except that teaching jobs are hard to come by in this neck of the woods.  I’ve actually been searching for a full time job for five years now.  I’ve had part time teaching jobs, and long term sub jobs, but nothing that stick.  And so now, I am teaching full time in a job that is ending in a couple of weeks, and frantically applying for new jobs.

I’m getting a lot of calls.  Six job interviews in two weeks is nothing to slouch about.  But it’s hard.  No one seems to understand that I still feel a kind of loyalty to the students that I have been working with all year.  I want to stay with them, and help them do their best, until the end.  And when I have to take days off for these interviews, I feel like I’m letting them down.

And on top of that, job interviews are SO TAXING.  You’re asked the same variants of about ten questions, and you answer, hoping to appeal to that school’s sensibility.  And you get psyched up and nervous, so when you’re done, you just want to sleep.  AND THEN, you get your damn hopes up, only to hear that they are going with someone with more experience.  Well how am I supposed to get experience if you don’t give it to me?!

How many times can I listen to someone tell me I am not quite good enough?  What am I going to do if I don’t get a job?